All the bits and pieces

Just what i needed…

There are no words left to speak. No more excuses…. when i get to work today. I may be fired. I don’t know how to explain myself. When i got up this morning and realized that it was 9…. i immediately yelled that i give up…. frick everyone tried to help me by trying to let me go early or reminding me i have work. But no i wanted to stay and help the peeps clean up or finish up. I hate dumping what i didn’t finish on other people. Now look at me.. im pulling what may be my last straw today. And pulling it together may just be to late

Im sorry for not showing up for work today. It was not intentional. I over slept which is no excuse for a no show. I hope that my coworkers are not mad at me. Forgive me for a big mistake made. I am at home reflecting on what has been going on in my life. How im living it. How im spending the time. I have another day to reflect before going back to work on Wednesday. I gave corey hope that i was improving my work ethic only to slap him in the face with a no show. Im sorry…

Im sorry for not coming to anyones graduation this year…. because i got sick for a week i couldn’t afford to miss anymore work. I wish you all the best during your lives since i wasn’t able to see you for the last time before everyone goes their separate ways. Be safe. Life will be hard. But their will always be things to inspire you to fly your kites even higher than they were before. Your friends will try their best to be there for you to help whether FB or Tumble or whatever, they are at you finger tips, you just have to reach out to them. Never lose the things you love to do for it could improve life when you need the boost. Most of all always remember your family, they are the anchor that has been their for you, home base, your safe point. Turn to them as well. If you want to change, it doesn’t help to wish and hope for it but it’s the action that sees results. Anyways… congrats and take care.

Re-motivated by my friend Sonny to continue making Youtube videos. I made this one on “Sweetheart Tree” by Henry Mancini made for the movie The Great Race.

Tetris Main Theme (intermediate piano) (by camkunimura)

Ok so a not perfect Tetris… Erm so what i had meant to do was draw inspiration from the original 8bit soundtrack song from the game. In which i was suppose to interchange the length of the eighth notes in the left hand back and forth from held to short coinciding with what the rhythm background part of the song sounded like throughout the song. The right hand was suppose to make the notes held but cut off before their full note values were fulfilled to simulate the style being heard in he 8bit soundtrack….. But both i messed up on but kinda got it towards the second time i went through the theme… sorta :P….. did the best i could with the arrangement i had in front of me and the time limit i gave myself to do this song or i would have been taking too long perfecting a simple song when i want to make more videos….

High-Entropy Diagnostic (Moral Synesthesia)

Ok so I took the test and this is what i got. (This is no joke i really took this test thinking that it was a joke but i took it seriously to where i was honestly doing what the questions asked me to do.)

MY DIAGNOSIS: You possess a strong sense of self-importance or an overdeveloped self regard. You nevertheless have the ability to make emotional connections to others and are capable of achieving satisfaction in a romantic relationship. However, your self-regard has the tendency to limit your emotional depth and to leave you feeling not completely committed or emotionally distanced. You do not easily form strong emotional bonds.

You are often unstable, and tend to blame your problems on others and on circumstances that are beyond your control. Although you greatly desires to make a good impression and to be known and respected by others, you are very easily frustrated from your goals and will very quickly devolve into a feeling of helplessness. The idea of failing is often so frightening that the fear itself will lead to failure. After stress has left you to pick up the pieces, you will often feel victimized by forces around you.

I shall say that …. It is accurate… very accurate at least for me… But i am going to change these things about me… especially the negative stuff. So ….. Yah why don’t you try it and see what it diagnosis you as…

My interpretation of this version of “Princess Leia’s Theme” on piano. This song conveys the mysteries of Princess Leia along with her beauty and slyness in the movies.

“Chopsticks” at a “lively” speed….. though short lived… i’ll probably come across a better version later. Then again i got this in the beginning of my piano lessons years ago.

I remember having anger outbursts in elementary school. Yelling at Bronson when he pestered me during track practice. Lashing out at Muhammid when he cheated at dodge ball. Lashing out during A+ after school programming. Having those dumb fight arguments with Jeffrey. I told on Keoni for threatening me at school and then the counselor came and told him to apologize to me and that it was a very high offense to make another student feel unsafe at school. When i heard about the major incident, i felt bad for telling on him and thought that i had pushed him over the edge and i felt guilty and responsible in so many ways that i could have prevented it from happening. I had heard about the thing with Devon and i felt bad for i only heard about it way after it had happened. I hate it when people are angry at me or irritated or hold grudges and resentment towards me. I felt that he may hold a grudge against us for the thing that had happened. I wish that i could make amends with him one day for it still bothers me.
I remember when Iyoki had paid for that expensive open holed flute that sounded amazing. I immediately had to try it. I had been practicing with the music stand at head level when i had turned and a couple keys latched onto the edge of the stand. It happened so quickly that i didn’t even realise that it had gotten caught. It was too late when i turned back to the stand a split second later. It was when i turned back to the stand that i had unintentionally pulled slightly downward. I stared at the flute realising what i had done. I cried soo hard the whole car ride home not knowing what to do and so upset at myself for doing such a stupid thing. I cried myself to sleep know how upset he would be when i told him the next day. He got me a flute and piccolo dual case so that i wouldn’t have to carry 2 cases around with me. I was concerned about the fact that the roof of the case was crushing the keys of both instruments when i closed the case. But he mistaken my concern, about the case bending the keys of the instruments, with complaining about the case not closing well. He took the case away from me thinking that i was complaining when i was only concerned about the instruments. I never told anyone this but the day that Kris had chased me around school to beat me up was because i was fed up with him constantly pestering me. So i had intentionally gone up to him as he was laughing at me and kicked his lunch bag. Thats what set him off… i was so sure that he was going to tell the principal or someone and get me suspended or thrown out of school. But he never did… it still mystifies me why he didn’t. I remember having that nervous breakdown in school. I am still embarrassed by that day. I think it was a combination of being depressed, bi-polar, having regrets, feeling guilty, and denying the fact that i was gay while hiding it… also i think i overdosed on my medication because me and my family were controlling the dosage and thought that it wasn’t working so we constantly increased the dose. I took angelica out to prom because i thought that i could make that relationship work because i really think that she is beautiful inside and out and i thought that i had fallen in love with a girl, disproving that i was gay. It didn’t work out that way. I took her out and had fun that night feeling that we had an intimate moment that night. But when we got back to school… i did not persue her… to be totally honest… i dont i even thought anything of it the next day, know how ADHD and bipolar i am. I didn’t even see the signs that she was confused and that she was reaching out to me. I think She tried to drop out of select band to make me realise that i had forgotten about her. But since then we had a conversation about this on fb and came to understandings and cleared things up. I feel that this may be one of the few things i have come to forgive myself about.
I also remember i think me and Jasmine having a thing for each other for the longest time. She tried to invite me to things and stuffs but i was just too shy to even show face. I never cleared that up with her yet. I remember Kenny boy my childhood friend from hilo. I remember his aunty janice that use to live next door to my grandparents(my moms side) house. One day she found out she had cancer….the next day she passed…. i feel guilt for not being there for him. I never got to tell him that i was sorry for her passing. We barely saw each other after that. I was too ashamed to see him face to face after her passing.
I have some memories which are very brief. One of them i only see Myself yelling at Jani “fat ass” and she walks away from me very slowly. I don’t remember why i said that to her or even the conversation or event that led up to that point. This replays over and over again in my mind and i feel so guilty for telling her that. I haven’t yet to talk this over with her… all i know is that when ever this memory comes up i either get to the brink of tears or cry.
I had once made Hannah extremely upset unintentionally and i was leaving school crying but her and chealsea caught me and stopped me. In my racing mind and unorganized thoughts i told her it was to encourage my fellow bands men and women to practice. In actuality what i had meant to say was that i played everyone’s elses music and site read and practiced alot not to show off or provoke people but it’s because of the drive i have to play music that passion. I love more challenging things so i practiced the upper bands and orchestras music to get that challenge. Also because of the comfort that music gives me, the organization in my mind becomes amazing, and it is the only escape i have from my shattered brain. I need to clear this up with hannah.
I never understood the hostility that i got from Chris after i went to Moanalua High School. I never found out why he was so mean to me and hateful and aggravated by my presence…. i never found out. And i want to know… i want to know… it bothers me… it really does…. i dont like it when people dont like me…. i just want to be excepted and i try my best to be nice to him…. but i still want to clear things up with him.
I am embarrassed by my former self. I took advantage of Otomo and B when they temporarily took over the music department. I became power hungry sometime from sophomore year to Junior year and im not proud of it. In fact i regret it. I regret getting upset about not being able to play the solos in YS2 by myself. I shared them with Karen because i now believe that he thought that i Was not stable enough at the time to be counted on to be there to play them when concert came so Karen was there to step in. That is so childish… i haven’t gotten to appologise to karen for being such an ass… i should have been proud to play these solos alongside karen for i feel that she is an amazing flute player that could beat me any day or time. She was playing them better than i was anyways so why should she not have gotten the chance to shine?.. i will talk to her about this and tell her im sorry for i do feel she feels that i am arrogant, show off, and whatever else…. and she was right at the time… but i have changed.
I regret not leading my section freshman year just because i felt very shy and i felt that i would not make a good section leader… the heavy end was then lifted by Tiana. I feel stupid for not saying what i had wanted to say at the end of the year passing the leadership traditions in band. I always mixed things up on what i was saying. I should have been more akamai about it and written down what i wanted to say because i have a hard time sorting thoughts on the spot. Even being an organised leader is hard for me…. i should have taken more responsibilities as the ballroom dance club administrative clerk. I was too afraid of making mistakes. Gottah appologise to Mina. And of course Senior year of orchestra camp… what a disaster that was when i tried to hold preparation meetings about who’s bringing what to camp. And then i was ignorant when Dylan got sick and i was being stupid and bipolar and unintentionally made it hard for him to sleep…. our skit wasn’t too nice either with my input in it. I should have made sectionals more fun for the flutes cause i wasn’t even thinking about making it fun so that they look foward to comming back for the next sectional… DUH… and i should have had it staggered so that more people could actually make it to the sectional. I unintentionally swore in front of Alysa’s parents and younger siblings. That bothers me. I didn’t mean to manipulate anybody at kahi mohala cause i wasn’t even trying to do that. I never meant to give you a hard time Kawakami or to put you in bad positions. I never meant to quit on you… i never meant to quit flute lessons… ill come back i promise. Im sorry to every one I’ve had a conflict with and sorry about everything. And also all the crap i put my family through… im sorry… im so sorry… i cry about all the trouble i put you through and i dont have the guts anymore to say that im sorry to you in person. But of all the things that i remember…. i shouldn’t have been stupid with you… i shouldn’t have done what i did.. it was stupid… im so clumsy… i usually am good at not saying things that shouldn’t be said…. im frickin sorry… you know who you are… im soo so so sorry… it bothers me the most out of anything i have said so far… im sorry…

Ive been meaning to post this for a while now. I haven’t been posting because of life and also, for some reason, been keeping thoughts to myself. If only you knew what having my mind feels like. To always have endless thoughts running through your head. You would have an endless thought process. Constantly thinking about something or other. To have your mood, feelings, and emotions change suddenly with potentially everything being the trigger. Triggering memories to appear in your head, memories playback like video clips on Youtube and flashbacks like photos in the attic discovered discovered years after they were taken.

• Question: Thanks for the follow, hun <3 - eriihime
• Answer:

  no problem :) 

I am all about quality… so as much as possible i reheat my pizza in the toaster oven to make it seem like i just brought it home… microwave is ok… but its just ok… makes things rubbery and it sucks the nutritional content right out of it (the most out of any ways of cooking, preparing, or reheating food.

Why do i feel heavy in my heart and chest… like im not happy… but im actually moving along in my life for once… perhaps im still dragging my feet and i just don’t know it… tired in every aspect i am. Maybe i miss my drive to practice music? Maybe my room represents how i feel and think on the inside? My mind and soul and heart rip me apart from the inside out… maybe its the medication… ill get through this… but… never mind…